Monday, December 13, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...
Websites that will make you smile
Cats that look like hitler:
http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/cgi-bin/seigmiaow.pl
Cats that look like Wilford Brimley:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/lindseyweber/5-cats-that-look-like-wilford-brimley-ru
Upside down dogs
http://upsidedowndogs.com/
Awkard family photos:
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/page/2/
http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/cgi-bin/seigmiaow.pl
Cats that look like Wilford Brimley:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/lindseyweber/5-cats-that-look-like-wilford-brimley-ru
Upside down dogs
http://upsidedowndogs.com/
Awkard family photos:
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/page/2/
How to keep a healthy level of insanity!
I've decided to all to my blog all my favorite email joke and websites:) Hope you enjoy them too.
1.Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2.Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3.Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky". "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Sport."
4.Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5."Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
6.While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
7.Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
8.Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9.Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
10.Insist that your e-mail address be: zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
11.Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
12.Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
13.Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
14.Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
15.Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
16.Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
17.Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
18.For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
19.Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
20.Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
21.Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
22.Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall # 3."
23.Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
24.Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
25.Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
26.In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
27.Dont use any punctuation
28.Use, too...much; punctuation!
29.As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
30.Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
31.Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
32.Sing along at the opera.
33.Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
34.At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
35.Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
36.Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies. (warning: you can get arrested for this, but that can be instructive too)
37.Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
38.Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
39.When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
40.When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"(this one might get you arrested too)
41.Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."
42.Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
43.Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like that.
1.Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2.Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3.Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky". "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Sport."
4.Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5."Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
6.While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
7.Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
8.Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9.Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
10.Insist that your e-mail address be: zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
11.Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
12.Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
13.Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
14.Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
15.Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
16.Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
17.Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
18.For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
19.Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
20.Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
21.Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
22.Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall # 3."
23.Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
24.Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
25.Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
26.In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
27.Dont use any punctuation
28.Use, too...much; punctuation!
29.As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
30.Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
31.Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
32.Sing along at the opera.
33.Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
34.At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
35.Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
36.Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies. (warning: you can get arrested for this, but that can be instructive too)
37.Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
38.Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
39.When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
40.When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"(this one might get you arrested too)
41.Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."
42.Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
43.Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like that.
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