WHEN A WOMAN LIES...

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river..

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies."Is thisyour thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?''
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband? The Lord asked.


"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband...

Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three.

Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:Whenever a woman lies,
it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the
best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!!!
Signed,
All Us Women

HELL EXPLAINED by Chemistry student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Five (5) lessons about the way we treat people

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.


During my second month of college, our professor
Gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
And had breezed through the questions until I read

The last one:


"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
Cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
Dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
Blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
The last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely, " said the professor.. "In your careers,
You will meet many people. All are significant.. They
Deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
Is smile and say "hello.."
I've never forgotten that lesson.. I also learned her
Name was Dorothy .


2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American
Woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
Trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had
Broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally
Unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man
Took her to safety, helped her get assistance and
Put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
Address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
Knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
Giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
Special note was attached.
It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
The other night. The rain drenched not only my
Clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
Husband's' bedside just before he passed away... God
Bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
Others."
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole .


3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those
Who serve.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
A 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and
Sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
Front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and
Studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the
Waitress was growing impatient..
"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins.
"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
The table and walked away The boy finished the ice
Cream, paid the cashier and left.. When the waitress
Came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
Table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
Were two nickels and five pennies..
You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had
To have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
Roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
Anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the
King's' wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
And simply walked around it.. Many loudly blamed the
King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did
Anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
Vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the
peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the
person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
peasant learned what many of us never understand!
Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
our condition.


5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness. The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save
her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed
next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing
the color returning to her cheek. Then his face
grew pale and his smile faded.
He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her.

HR Hell

While I think we should be sensitive to others, shouldnt they be sensitve to us too??

The following memos are from a HR director to employees

RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas party will take place at Luigi's Open Pit BBQ.  No host par, but plenty of eggnog!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa!

RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We reconize that Chanukah is in important holiday which often coinsides with Christmas, though unfortunatly not this year.  However from now on we will be calling it our 'HOliday Party'  The same policy applies to our employees whe are clebrating Kwanzaa at this time
Happy now?

RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I recieved from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non drinking table, you didn't sign your name.  I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore,
How am I supposed to handle this?  Anyone?

RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex duing daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accomodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps Luigi's can hold off serving your meal until the end of the party?  The days are so short this time of year, it may be dark.  Or else you can take your meal home for later? Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for  the members of overeaters anonomous to be seated farthest from the desert buffet adn pregnat women will have the table closest to the bathroom.  Did I miss anything?

RE: Holiday Party
So, December 22 marks teh Winter Solstice.  What do you expect me to do, fire regulations at Luigi's prohibits the burning of sage by our "Earth based Goddess-worshiping employees, but we will try to accomodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.  Okay??

RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up as Santa!  Even if an anagram of Santa happens to be "satan".  There is no evil conotation to our own "little man in a red suit"  It's tradtion folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, family feuds over Turkey at Thanksgiving, or broken hearts at Valentines day.  Could we please lighten up?

RE:Holiday Party
Vegetarians?!?!?!  I've had it with you people  We are going to keep the party at Luigi's Open Pit BBQ whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the furthest table from the "grill of death" as you so quaintly put it.  You will get your &$^#*$^ salad bar including hydroponic tomatoes... but you know tomatoes scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream! 

From: John Smith: Acting HR Director
RE: Holiday Party and your HR Director
Im's sure I speak for all of us in wishing my predicesor a speedy recovery from a stress related illness and I will continue to forward your cards to the sanitarium.  In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!

*no beliefs were harmed in the writing of this and no disrespect intended.  Just illustiratring how we go to far:)

Real Warning Labels

On as Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Really?)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (I think the retailer may take issue to this one)

On Dial soap: Use like regular soap (If you need this instruction, would this REALLY help you??)

On a Swann frozen dinner: serving suggestion: Defrost (only a suggestion)

On a hotel's shower cap box: fits one head (yes but what if you are Zaphod Beeblebrox?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: (printed on the bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (ha ha too late)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are we really that stupid?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.  (if you are that dumb, don't you think you need a little burn?)

On a child's cough medicine: Do not drive or operate heavy machinery.  (I think this applies always.  can we just all agree on that)

On Nytol sleep aid: May cause drowsiness.  (may cause, it may be an effective product)

On a Korean kitchen knife: keep out of children (OK...)

On a string of Chinese made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only (where else could they be used, lets ponder.... I guess that prevents use inside the body...)

On a Japanese food processor: not to be used for the other use (I'm curious what that other use could be)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: warning contains nuts

On an American Airlines package of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts (what about the warning that it contains nuts??)

On a Swedish Chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.  (What?!)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly (and across the nation children's hearts break)

Lincoln vS Kennedy

The coincidences between these two fascinate me.

Lincoln: elected to congress in 1846
Kennedy: elected to congress in 1946

Lincoln: elected president in 1860
Kennedy: elected president in 1960

Both were concerned with civil rights
Both lost their children while living in the White House

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln

Both were assassinated by Southerners
Both were succeeded by southerners named Johnson

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939

Both assassins were know by their three names
Both names have 15 letters

Lincoln was shot in a theater named 'Ford'
Kennedy was shot in a car called Lincoln made by 'Ford'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin hid in a warehouse
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin hid in a theater

Both Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials

A week before being shot, Lincoln was in Monroe Maryland
A week before being shot Kennedy was with Marilyn Monroe

A hangover is the wrath of grapes. ~Author Unknown


If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic. ~Author Unknown


I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ~Frank Sinatra